Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
