So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
