Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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