the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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