Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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