There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
