College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Come see our sink grown plant.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
