hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
