May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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