What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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