she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
