i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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