I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
