He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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