I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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