I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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