I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
