I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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