Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
