my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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