I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
