He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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