so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
