he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
