I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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