So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
