all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
