good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
