Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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