College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
