I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
