If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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