Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
