i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
