JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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