I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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