It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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