I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
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You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
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I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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