i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
