If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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