her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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