When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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