You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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