half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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