she smelled like a LAN party
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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