Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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