I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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