who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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