sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
