I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
