New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
