Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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