Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
