"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
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The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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