I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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