You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
