i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
