Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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