She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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