Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
